On the Campaign Trail- Ann Coulter got bumped- Tyler Hanson to fill in her place AP WIRE Editor Version
So USA TODAY bumped Ann Coulter after she turned in her report on Sunday from the DNC. And they called me up to take her place. I don't know why the hell they hired her in the first place, to write a glowing review of the democrats? What ever, her loss is my gain.
I would like to comment on Ann before I go into my report of the event in Boston.
Personally I can't stand the Women when she's on the TV, everything about her is like fingernails down a chalkboard. But hey, that is her shtick in this entertainment media "NEWS" world, just like Mr. Moore has his, so she has hers. I can't watch her with out wanting to throw a rock through the TV, but I can read what she writes-
Did anyone actually read her report that she wrote? I must say that it was fucking hilarious- you can read it here-
Her opening paragraph kills me-
"Here at the Spawn of Satan convention in Boston, conservatives are deploying a series of covert signals to identify one another, much like gay men do. My allies are the ones wearing crosses or American flags. The people sporting shirts emblazened with the "F-word" are my opponents. Also, as always, the pretty girls and cops are on my side, most of them barely able to conceal their eye-rolling."
I would just like to say that If someone was reporting from the Republican Sermon Championship Bout in NYC next week and wrote a story like Ann's, hell it could be the same damn story just changing the characters around a little to fit the "Democratic" point of view, and poof it's Mr Moore's story slamming the Repub's.
Now if that story was canned because USA Today got scared to run it for what ever the reason they came up with to pull Ann's story, people would flip out. Instead since it's Ann, most everyone we know is cheering- And Ann, cool cat that she is, was like oh well,no big deal.
Personally I think that her story needs to be in the USA Today- if you don't like it, don't read it. Censorship is Censorship. Especially, and this is the thing that interest me, USA Today had originally gotten Ann to report on the Democratic Sermon Championship Bout and Michael Moore to do the Republican Sermon Championship Bout. They canned Ann after she turned in the first report she writes, but I bet they won't can Moore. I know this because I called him up and asked him what he thought he was going to write about and he assured me that his "rhetoric and tone will be the same as Ann's, only on the other side of the fence, and done a little more eloquently." He said however that he might steal her opening line just for fun- "Here at the Spawn of Satan convention...
It is all very fascinating to me.
Now back to what USA Today is paying me to do, report on the Championship Sermon Cratic Event-tion, Ya That’s right! I said Sermon, not convention; these mass political gatherings are more like a Church Sermon mixed with sports playoff fever and way too many halftimes-
It all reminds me of a Jim Baker revival without Jim Baker-
Can I get a Democratic lords yeeeeesssssss. Wave your banner, clap your hands, praise... Jesus F. Kerry. Now puts some moneys in the hat for our lord Savior KERRY, go out and recruit more for the team, cause we believe in you if you believe in... Jesus F. Kerry.
"I am hear to tell you that we will beat the other team, as one America, under god. Can I get United states of the Democrats?" - Whoa
It's intense down there on the floor, all the lights and old lady perfume, loud kicking horrible music. Intense I tell you.
You wait around and dance and fan yourself, and clap, and then a preacher comes out. You have senators and former President Preachers, you have Wife's of people who want to be President Preachers, you even have little Ron Reagan Preachers- Some of the preachers are terribly boring and others who kick the spirit into you and everyone in the crowd. Even if you don't believe in any god, you might believe for just a second, that there might actually be one.
But what fascinates me more than anything about this whole thing is the news coverage of all this. Being that I am part of the press, I have been able to sit in with the guys and watch all the different networks perform their coverage live. This is where it all comes from I figure-
All the news channels do a pre-game report like it's the god damn super bowl-
"What do you think he's going to say tonight Pat Buchanan?" Wolf B.
"Well I read Clintons speech already and he's going to talk about the America the democrats want but can't have because everybody knows that our team is better." Pat B.
And after each speech they do a post game report to figure out what it was they did say and how it will effect the outcome of the race-
"Ron, how do you think that Barack Obama did, and do you think it will help the other team do in this game?" Joe Scarborough
"First of all I would just like to say Rookie of the year all the way for Obama, not to be confused with Osama. HAHAHA. But seriously folks, I really believe a star was born tonight, what an electrifying Sermon that was. In your face Daddy's Republicans. I think that preach put us ahead 2 points. And you just wait till Jesus F. Kerry gets up there on Thursday night!" Ron Reagan
The preachers preach and spin their tales of great hope and say all the shit that they are supposed to say, all the while the news treats each preacher like a fighter in the ring, or a baseball player, or maybe like an all-star preacher- I wonder, are they trading trading cards on the floor? As a matter of fact there are. Right before someone new comes up to preach, a whole bunch of poor immigrant workers come and pass out the cards, and in the process they get the shit kicked out of them in the mad frenzy of everyone trying to get the new card from them for the next preacher. They don't show this part on any of the news broadcasts I have seen. All they show is the aftermath when the cameras pan the crowd, and anyone who has a sign is smiling and jumping up and down because they have a sign with the name of whoever is on stage preaching- They don't seem to really care about who it is so long as they have a big card. And did you know that on back of the signs they have stats and records and magic points on them for each preacher player? And at the end of the night there is a huge bingo trading card game session that goes on in the hallways of the center. It is one hell of a site to see.
But seriously this is our political process that we are talking about-
LOOK KNEEL LISTEN PRAY TO THE TV, AND PLEASE VOTE FOR #1 or #2.
It's a religious political sporting event process, and don't you forget it.
This is what happens when you only have 2 options to choose from, and 2 options is not a democracy, mind you.
One final note, before I go out and finish trading my cards with my new friend LahuLu one of the 4 token gay native Americans the Dem's brought here as an honored guests of the Tuff Political Guy Competition 2004.
Did you know that each "team" (republicans and democrats) spent $100,000.00 on balloons for the big finale of each of their "Shows".
The icing on the cake, the last ditch effort to persuade those of you who are still undecided in the end With Fucking BALLOONS!
If the words of the preachers amplified so much that they sound like GOD Almighty booming down form the heavens above. If the Giant big screen TV's that make the preachers look like a plastic GOD Almighty. And if the really bad music and the really really bad dancing, and all the lights glitter confetti Showtime baby! If all that can't get you to vote for one of the 2 sides then he who has the best balloons shall win you over. I predict that the balloons will be the deciding factor in this close race this year. It will moist defiantly be the Balloons.
And this is our political process and what a time to be alive. It makes me feel excited and ready to go out there and do something. It also makes me want to go throw down a G and bet for team blue in Las Vegas, the odds are pretty damn good. And at the same time I feel sick and hollow, because deep down I don't think that either side really has me in mind when they are talking about the Unites States of America.
But in the words of Gabi's 88 year old Grandma, still paying attention to the game.
"I will vote for a dog catcher to get G. W. Bush out of office."
Tyler Reporting from Boston.
I should be writing all the time instead of handing out panties.
A littel Story about my time at SXSW- click here